Yesterday I died
Tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight


So I'm not sure if I've just hit a random mental rut because fate likes to do that to me or because...Well, because the cosmos don't like me.


The future's open wide
Beyond believing
To know why hope dies


I'm tired of the melancholy-ness of my life suddenly. I'm so over it. Evidently that doesn't stop me from feeling it. It's all pretty lame.


Losing what was found
A world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
A silence of the sound
Soon to follow
Somehow sundown


Maybe I'm working too much? At least its not at two jobs anymore. But they've had me open the past two times and they've had me stay longer than the people that come in after me. And I'm not sure that makes sense. Spose I shouldn't complain; Friday I finally get a break and only have a few hours and I get to close.


And finding answers
Is forgetting all the questions we call home
Passing the graves of the unknown
Reason clouds my eyes
With splendor fading
Illusions of the sunlight


I don't regret quitting Brueggers. But I seem to have to tell people that constantly. I don't know why I feel I have to justify my choice. It was a good choice. A right choice. It's unfair I didn't spend much time there. Well, unfair to me. Even minimum wage food service jobs I've always stayed longer than a year and built some sort of relationship with the people. But that didn't happen this time and I do feel that that is unfair to me. Cuz I know it takes me an extra long time to get to know people, even at work and I didn't even get a chance.


And the reflection of a lie
Will keep me waiting
Love gone for so long
This day's ending
Is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
Knowing that faith is all I hold


I feel like any social energy I had at the beginning of school and my new job has just disappeared. Pretty sucky tho, there was a cute guy in my class. And I think he started off liking me too. But it's changed, I just can't do anything. Wouldn't know what to do anyways. We know that. Everything's gone backward. I guess that's the story of my life.


And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love
Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words carry on
But I know, all I know
Is that end's beginning
Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

I bought a purse today. A Coach one nonetheless. And on super sale. And I'm not even excited. I even bought a great pair of jeans. But I think I have to take them back. I just spent too much on them. Which wouldn't have been a problem if it wasn't for the fact it's on a credit card. But I should still be happy about my purse. I mean it was a really good deal. But I don't even feel happy. Maybe cuz my aunt yelled at me about spending money and that my parents are doing absolutely everything in their power to help me live out here and I'm just waltzing around buying expensive things.

That makes sense now as to why I feel like shit. That feels unfair too. I understand it. I really do. But now I feel like I have to justify that too. What if I don't have a real conscience? Like, I know these things but they don't register like they should. Or would that make me a sociopath? No feelings or regards to others?

But no, no I do feel... I know I feel upset becuz she said that. But I don't feel much else. Even at work, I'm very emotionless. Sure, I throw on a hollow smile for customers and I can even feel fairly excited to help them pick out clothes (I love that), but if they talk about something, it's hard for me to react with much emotion. I think someone today was talking about an aunt that died and that she was going to her funeral and I was about as emotionless as...a statue. And I think even statue's have more emotion than me.


All this time
Spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over
There's a light
There's the sun
Taking all shattered ones
To a place we belong
And his love will conquer

I think my self-esteem is terribly low right now. And that might be why I'm getting nowhere with any of the boy interests of mine. It's hard to look attractive to other people when you don't believe it yourself. Same thing along the lines of that saying no one will love you unless you can love yourself. Or else that they won't love you unless you love them. Or a combination of both. But either way, that's probably why nothing is going anywhere. But I don't feel very attractive anyways. I've decided I have a real problem with guys who are thinner than me and probably in better shape than me. And I have a real problem with the fact that my skin is acting like a bitch on my face and suddenly the weird pimplyness won't go away. This I thought was caused by that intense stress I had been facing earlier on. But I did think that went away. Maybe not. Maybe I'm still under so much stress my body is going to not act normal forever.

Why forever? Because I have a feeling I'm never gonna be able to pinpoint this stress that is causing it. I mean, if I thought I was fine but wasn't, well, then how will I ever know?

(And I've lost who I am. And I can't understand why this heart is so hollow rejecting your love. Without love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on. But I know, all I know is that the end's beginning. Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart. Let me go. And I will run. I will not be silenced. All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain, all is lost. Hope remains. And this war's not over. There's a light, there's the sun, taking home shattered ones to a place we belong. And his love will conquer.)

Yesterday I died.
Tomorrow's bleeding.
Fall into your sunlight.